A Moment with Esther Perel

Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship

“We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston

The artist Louise Bourgeois once described her tumultuous experience as a child at the dining table listening to her parents fight in this way: “To escape the bickering, I started modeling the soft bread with my fingers…. this was really my first sculpture.” And while conflict may have lead to great art for this artist, in most cases, it can be the constantly replaying soundtrack of a distressed relationship.

Anthony’s question is powerful because it is so common.

I think of bickering as low intensity chronic warfare. Ongoing criticism can lead to the demise of the relationship. And if we criticize as a way of asking to be loved, well then we will often produce precisely the opposite effect of what we seek: to be loved and to feel good about ourselves. If we spend much of our time feeling lousy, unloved, devalued, inadequate and inept, we are on the wrong side of the tracks. So what can we do to reset this negative pattern?

Pay Attention to What’s Working

When I went to school in Belgium, the teacher would mark our mistakes in red pen. Our mistakes were highlighted; our achievements rarely noted. When our relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the bad.

To counter this, try keeping a daily list of everything that your partner does that is positive, everything that you appreciate, everything that you can be thankful for. Do this for ten days in a row.

Each note can be as simple as: “Made me a cup of tea” or “Locked door on way out”. Instead of elevating the annoying, elevate the minute details of your partner’s generosity and thoughtfulness.

Focus on what is working. Pay attention.

The ratio of appreciation is crucial to a good relationship. Take the log one step further and make a big deal every time the other person does something positive.

This will kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner towards acts of kindness.

Let Yourself Be Vulnerable

What’s important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.

Every criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, “You’re never around”, what they may actually mean is “I’m lonely, I miss you when you’re not here.”

When Anthony’s partner tells him he never brings her along when he goes hiking, what she is also trying to tell him is “I wish we would go hiking together”.

I recommend that Anthony and his partner both say what they want and not what the other did not do.  

Often I suggest this to couples and they complain, “But I already did exactly that and I got nothing”. Try again.

It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it.

For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of escalations.

Reflect & Take Responsibility

If you have ever done any breathing exercises, or yoga classes, you may have noticed that there is a space at the end of each inhale and exhale. A moment to pause. Similarly, economists and psychologists often encourage this moment of pause before making a large purchase.

Instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.

Why are you angry? What do you want? Instead of going for the jugular. Take responsibility for what you feel and state it.

When couples come to therapy and they are in escalating cycles – things change when each person begins to take responsibility. This is true for both Anthony and his partner.  


How do you experience chronic criticism in your relationship? I would love to hear your personal stories – be sure to leave a comment under the YouTube video. And next week we will take relationship conflict one step further and explore how confirmation bias can affect our partnerships.

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