Letters from Esther #61: The Art of Erotic Communication

Shall We Begin?

IMAGINE: YOU AND YOUR PARTNER ARE CURLED UP ON THE COUCH AFTER A LONG DAY.

The glow of the television flickers across your faces. You’re watching a new show together and suddenly, one character gives another that look. Their eyes shift rapidly, their breath gets heavier, they lunge for each other, and then fall into spontaneous, coital bliss.

“YOU HAVEN’T LOOKED AT ME LIKE THAT IN MONTHS.”

As soon as you say it, you realize that what you meant as a lighthearted joke has not landed as intended. Your partner recoils. It’s awkward. The people on the screen are having sex, and you’re sitting there three feet apart with a growing tension in the air—and not the sexy kind.

Your partner picks up his phone and begins to scroll. The tension dissolves but so does any chance of connection. Eventually, you go to bed. Nobody says anything. Nobody does anything. You don’t go to bed angry, per se, but you feel annoyed, disappointed. Every time you give him a hint to initiate, he acts totally aloof.

I HEAR THIS STORY OFTEN.

Whenever I hear this story in my therapy office, I always wish I had a remote that could rewind the situation. I would be like a football coach reviewing a play with the team, pausing at key moments. “There!” I would say. “You said, ‘You haven’t looked at me like that in months.’ Imagine if instead you had said: ‘I love when you look at me like that.’”

WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE?

One way is a complaint. The other is a desire. Behind many criticisms is a veiled wish. Expressing the wish can feel vulnerable, so we sometimes fall into defeating strategies in which we ask for what we want in a way that almost guarantees that we won’t get it.

Here are some examples of the desires left unsaid. I invite you to practice them:

• “That look? Did you see it? I’d love to have that look with you.”
• “I miss your touch.”
• “I want to come over there and kiss you.”
• “Will you stroke my hair?”
• “Do you like when I touch you like that?”
• “That doesn’t feel good. Try touching me like this.”
• “Can I show you what I really like?”
• “Keep doing that. That’s perfect.”

All of this is part of sexual candor. It’s when partners openly and honestly discuss desires, preferences, and concerns, preferably with kindness, as it is more likely than criticism to foster an atmosphere of trust and understanding.

WHY USE SEXUAL CANDOR?

Sexuality is a coded language through which we express our deepest emotional needs, fears, wounds, and longings. Sexual candor goes way beyond likes and dislikes. It helps you disclose core aspects of yourself such as dependency, neediness, vulnerability, and aggression.

In western culture, we’re taught from a young age to speak up, express ourselves, and communicate. Unfortunately, sexuality is a subject about which many learn to remain silent. But to experience pleasure and connection, we must be contributing authors to the plot of our sexuality.

It takes practice to learn how to ask for what you want but, once you do, you both might find that your own story can be more thrilling than the one on television.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

To further nurture your intimate conversations, consider these exercises:

EXERCISE 1: AFFIRMATION EXCHANGE

The purpose of this exercise is to build connection. Take turns sharing two things you love about your intimate life using “I” statements (e.g., “I love when we kiss goodnight”). These don’t have to be sexual.

EXERCISE 2: SPEAK FROM LONGING

The purpose of this exercise is to foster understanding and create motivation. Take turns asking and answering these questions: “What is a great sexual memory you have of us?” and “What do you miss about our sex life?”

EXERCISE 3: CURIOSITY QUESTIONS

The purpose of this exercise is to explore other aspects of eroticism. Take turns asking each other about your favorite sensory experiences. “What temperature of water do you like?” “Where is a spot on your body that could use a massage?” “What is your favorite food to eat slowly and savor?”

NOTICE WHICH OF THESE EXERCISES YOU FEEL MOST DRAWN TO.

Then, invite your partner to try it with you. This might sound like, “I’ve just read an interesting article about sexual candor. It’s the ability to talk about sex and desire openly. This is something I’d like to be better at. Will you practice with me now?”

Hopefully, your partner will join you without hesitation. It’s possible they will not. In that case, I encourage you to explore these exercises on your own, in a journal, or with a trusted friend.

Inside The Desire Bundle, you’ll find even more exercises and insights into sex and desire. If you’re interested in reigniting desire and enhancing erotic intimacy, I invite you to join me there.

More from Esther

THE DESIRE BUNDLE | learn more

“These courses gave us the script and vocabulary to get through the scary parts of talking about sex and intimacy.”

To experience pleasure and connection, we must be willing to engage in erotic communication. The two courses inside The Desire Bundle will help you and your partner do exactly that.

In Bringing Desire Back, you’ll learn how to:

• Identify and start removing emotional and erotic blocks to sexual satisfaction through poignant insights and self-reflective prompts
• Uncover your desires and communicate them to your partner using scripts for sexual candor
• Tap back into pleasure and create space for erotic possibility with interactive exercises

In Playing with Desire, you’ll learn how to:

• Create more satisfying erotic experiences with lessons that dive deeper into each of your unique sexual stories, appetites, and preferences
• Enhance erotic communication and enjoy more pleasure using customizable scripts and playful prompts
• Break out of mundane routines and build fulfilling erotic rituals through hands-on exercises
  

Taken together, these courses will help you and your partner overcome sexual shame and stigma, reignite desire, and play your way to a more erotically charged relationship.

Click here to learn more about The Desire Bundle.

Conversation Starters

A COMPENDIUM OF HIGHLY RECOMMENDED SOURCES OF INSPIRATION AND INFORMATION

I’M READING:

• Digital Wellbeing: Empowering Connection with Wonder and Imagination in the Age of AI by Caitlin Krause is an insightful guide to balancing technology with human connection and creativity. In an age of AI, Krause’s new book provides practical tools to help us harness wonder, deepen relationships, and thrive in the digital world. A must-read for those seeking to flourish while embracing innovation.
• Mindful Self-Compassion for Burnout: Tools to Help You Heal and Recharge When You’re Wrung Out by Stress by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer is a gentle, essential read for anyone feeling depleted and burnt out. Through heartfelt stories and practical tools, this new book shows how small acts of self-compassion can replenish your energy and help you find balance again, so you can show up for both yourself and others.
• If you long to deepen your connections and find more meaning in life, Dr. Adam Dorsay’s new book SUPER PSYCHED: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love is a powerful roadmap. Through his compassionate lens, he reveals how our most profound healing comes from restoring bonds—with others, the world, and, most importantly, ourselves.