Letters from Esther #65: Is love worth it?

Shall We Begin?

Another first date. Another attempt to reach out to a lost friend. Another fight with a partner. Another misunderstanding with a sibling. Why do we keep doing this? Why do we still open ourselves up to the unknown, to the potential for heartbreak, misalignment, and disappointment?

The answer is simple: because our well-being depends on it.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest-running research on happiness, has shown that the quality of our relationships is the single most important predictor of a long and fulfilling life. Not wealth. Not status. Not even the most extensive biohacking. Our ability to cultivate and sustain meaningful connections is essential to our happiness and longevity.

And yet, in a world that offers more ways than ever to avoid intimacy—through endless scrolling, swiping with the illusion of infinite choice, and ghosting—we have to actively choose connection over convenience.‍

RELATIONSHIPS CONFIRM OUR SENSE OF ALIVENESS

Connection is not just about longevity, however; it is also about aliveness. The act of relating—to a lover, a friend, a stranger—awakens something in us that we cannot experience alone. It is in these moments of exchange, of friction, of discovery, that we remember who we are.

Relationships introduce us to our edges and invite us to grow beyond them. Dating, in particular, is an act of optimism, a refusal to give in to cynicism or resignation. It is a way of saying, “Despite everything, I still believe in possibility. I still believe that I can be surprised. I still believe that love—whether fleeting or lifelong—has the power to transform me.”‍

IS IT WORTH IT?

So, is it still worth it? Yes. It is worth the effort, the risk, the vulnerability. Because the alternative—a life without connection—is far more dangerous to our well-being. Isolation makes us brittle; connection makes us resilient. I don’t just mean romantic love. I mean the kind you can find in communal and spiritual experiences of all sorts.

In a world that can often feel unstable and uncertain, our relationships—romantic, platonic, communal—become the anchors that ground us. They remind us that even in the midst of upheaval, even when we feel undeniably lonely, anxious, or depressed, we are not alone.

We all go through phases of isolation, whether self-imposed, medically necessary, or because we’ve fallen out of practice putting ourselves out there. But it is relationships, whether meaningful and fulfilling or mundane and fleeting, that sustain us and remind us that life is worth living. ‍

GOING DEEPER

This month, I’ll be talking more about this topic on the Vox stage at SXSW, with Peter Attia, author of Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity. But I’ll also be diving into this more deeply at Sessions Live, my annual conference taking place on April 25–26. (In-person tickets have sold out, but virtual tickets are still available—and going fast. Get yours here.)

This year’s theme? Mating in the Metacrisis: Connection, Polarization, and Eroticism in a World on Edge. I—along with our incredible lineup of speakers—will be addressing the impact of technology and A.I. on relationships, how to navigate increasing societal divisions, and why the antidote to these challenges lies in the strength of our bonds and the aliveness that we breathe into them.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

This exercise is designed to rewire you for optimism by recalling past experiences of warmth, presence, and belonging. When we consciously focus on the moments when connection felt good, we become more open to seeking it again.

1. Recall a moment of connection. Think back to a time when you felt truly connected to someone. It could be a deep conversation, a shared laugh, a spontaneous adventure, or even a simple exchange that made you feel seen. Don’t overanalyze—just let a memory come to you.
2. Engage your senses. Close your eyes and bring the moment to life: Where were you? Who was with you? What did you hear, see, or feel? What emotions were present? Try to immerse yourself in the memory as if you were reliving it. Let the warmth of that moment fill you.
3. Write a message to your future self. Imagine you are speaking to the part of you that might feel hesitant, disconnected, or doubtful in the future. Remind yourself of how good connection can feel and why it is worth seeking. Your note might begin: “Dear me, remember that time when…?” Keep it short, personal, and encouraging. Save it somewhere you can revisit when you need a reminder that connection isn’t just possible—it’s part of what makes life meaningful.

And when you’re ready, reach out to someone you’d like to connect with. Not because you have to, but because somewhere in your past, your present, and your future, connection has already been waiting for you.

More From Esther

SESSIONS LIVE 2025: MATING IN THE METACRISIS | learn more

Are you seeking new inspiration and fresh ideas for your own work and relationships?

On April 25–26, relationship professionals and curious minds will gather online and in person for my training conference, Sessions Live 2025: Mating in the Metacrisis. In-person tickets are sold out, but you can still join us and discover insightful perspectives, practical tools, and creative approaches for navigating modern relationships when you purchase a virtual ticket.

Click here to purchase your virtual ticket.

As a virtual attendee, you’ll gain access to interactive talks and workshops by some of Esther’s most trusted colleagues, plus:

• Connection & Networking: Connect with like-minded professionals, chat before and during the event, participate in dedicated breakout sessions, and more inside the Sessions Live app
• Interactive Learning & Sharing: Share your thoughts, ask questions, and shape this year’s event with special features like polling, Q&As, a virtual “Wall of Thoughts,” and more
• Special Virtual-Only Content: Enjoy a pre-event virtual webinar with Esther, dedicated workshops, guided exercises, and more—all specially designed for virtual attendees

This isn’t just another livestream. Sessions Live 2025 is your opportunity to witness leading therapists collaborate in real-time, modeling nuanced problem-solving and reflecting on the complexities of modern therapeutic practice—from the comfort of your home or office.

Space is limited. Register today to reserve your virtual spot before it’s too late.

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information

ON MY SHELF TO READ:

• Speaking of overall well-being, we all know that movement is essential, yet so many of us struggle to make it a consistent part of our lives. In I Know I Should Exercise, But…, clinical psychologist Dr. Diana Hill and biomechanist Katy Bowman illuminate the hidden psychological barriers that keep us stuck—offering a compassionate, science-backed approach to rewiring our mindset so that movement becomes not just another obligation, but a natural and joyful part of daily life.