Letters from Esther #59: “Nobody’s f*cking anymore.”

Shall We Begin?

“Esther, nobody’s f*cking anymore.”

It was a strange way to start a phone call, but I understood the panic on the other end of the line. It was 2016 and my executive producer, Jesse Baker, and I were just starting work on our new podcast Where Should We Begin? The unprecedented format would consist of one-time, real-life anonymous therapy sessions with people who would never become my patients. We wanted to feature a wide range of relationship dilemmas but instead, it seemed as if the hundreds of people who had applied were all grappling with the same exact problem.

“All of these people are writing about their dry spells. Or saying that the sex they’re having is no good. No one’s having sex . . . and they want to talk to you about it.” I couldn’t help but smile. I knew this story all too well.

I'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE

For forty years, I’ve started most of my therapy sessions with the same question: “Where should we begin?” (Hence the title of my podcast.) So often, the answers sound like so:

• “We still love each other but we have no sex . . . How do we get the spark back?”
• “Sex is really important to me, but it just doesn’t seem important to my partner.”
• “We have two kids, two jobs. We’re too busy, too tired, too stressed.”
• “My partner is neurodivergent and we have a hard time talking about sex.”
• “There’s so much pressure around it. It’s not enjoyable.”
• “I’m tired of being rejected.”
• “We’re too young to be in a relationship with no sex when, in truth, we both want it.”
  

SEX IS RARELY JUST SEX

Back then, I encouraged Jesse to search for the understories in these vignettes. Sexlessness is often the moment when people come to talk to me about the emotional desert they’re in. Talking about sex includes delving into:

• Closeness
• Loneliness
• Intimacy
• Trust
• Body image
• Wounding
• Gender roles
• Feeling remembered and that you matter
• Desire and being desired
• Pleasure and permission to feel good
  

It’s all of that under the word sex. Our podcast applications give us a lot of insight, but there’s always more to the story. (And, seven seasons later, we’ve still not run out of understories.)‍

IS THIS NORMAL?

It’s completely normal for people who like sex to go through sexless spells. And it’s incredibly common for people to walk into my office claiming that a desire discrepancy is “the big problem” they’ve come to “fix.”

• First, I encourage them to think of it not as a problem but as an alert that something else is going on.
• Second, I let them know that we’re going to address both—the obstacles that are keeping them stuck and what sex means for them.
• Third, I assure them that we’re not only going to talk about the sex they’re nothaving; we’re also going to talk about the sex they want to be having . . . and that’s a lot more fun. This is especially true if you have tools and exercises that take the pressure off, enable you to plumb the depths of your erotic mind, and teach you how to say what you want—and then ask for more.

LET’S GO DEEPER TOGETHER

This fall, I’m launching a two-course bundle focused on bringing desire back and infusing intimacy with more playfulness. I’ve long said that sex is not just something you do; it’s a place you go—inside of yourself and with another or others. These new courses are meant to help you travel to your desired place equipped with new insights and exercises for sustained intimacy. It is never too late to remove sexual blocks and to become more playful, erotic, and alive.

Click here to join the waitlist.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

In our sexual preferences lie our deepest emotional needs. Where do you go in sex?

• Is it a place you go for connection?
• For surrender?
• For dominance?
• Transcendence?
• Spiritual union?
• Fun?
• Is it a place to be naughty?
• To escape responsibility and good citizenship?

Take a few moments now to reflect on these questions. Write them down, if you’d like. In my new two-course bundle, you'll discover next steps you can take using your answers and insights. Read on to learn more about the courses and join the waitlist.

More from Esther

ABOUT MY NEW COURSES ON EROTICISM | join the waitlist

In the first course, you’ll learn skills to help you get unstuck, remove sexual blocks, and reignite desire, no matter where you’re starting from. In the second course, you’ll learn how to tap into new erotic possibilities and play your way to an erotically charged life. Together as a bundle, these courses will help you overcome the shame and misconceptions that often block sexual satisfaction and invite you to bring more vitality into your erotic relationship.

When you join the waitlist, you’ll receive:

• Access to the best pricing
• A chance to submit your questions about desire and eroticism
• The opportunity to attend a live virtual workshop when you purchase the courses
• The opportunity to join a special foreplay challenge when you purchase the courses
  

Plus, you’ll receive more insights into desire and eroticism from me over the coming weeks. Click here to join the waitlist now.

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information

I’M WATCHING:

• Baby Reindeer, a remarkable show by Richard Gadd. I know I’m late to the party, but I just watched the whole thing and it’s been the topic of many of my conversations with friends recently.

I’M READING:

• “Four Friends, Two Marriages, One Affair—and a Shelf of Books Dissecting It,” by Chris Heath, is a longread of literature and treachery with many twists and turns (New York magazine).
• “The New Age of Endless Parenting,” by Faith Hill, explores the pros and cons (but mostly the pros) of how technology and economic circumstances has brought parents and their adult children closer.

I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO:

• My dear friends at DAYBREAKER, the global sober morning dance party, are embarking on their most ambitious tour to date, taking place this September to early November. The Purple Tour is a 50-city tour to get out the vote and contribute to making civic engagement a joyful experience. These are mostly free events and tickets will fly so RSVP here: daybreaker.com/our-events. I'll see you on the dance floor.