Letters from Esther #63: New Year, New Possibilities

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Shall We Begin?

A woman wonders why she keeps getting ghosted.

A couple confronts the possibility that they are sexually incompatible.

Long lost lovers wonder if they missed their chance—and whether they should try again.

These are some of the stories you will hear this month on my podcast, Where Should We Begin?

For the uninitiated, my podcast features one-time anonymous therapeutic conversations with people grappling with a wide range of relational dilemmas. While names have been changed, the voices—and what they say—are real. So, too, is the unique experience you have when you listen in.

NEW YEAR, NEW STORIES

As I reflect on the episodes we have kicking off this new year, several themes emerge: the perils of modern dating; navigating the ebbs and flows of desire in long-term relationships; how repair and reconciliation can bring a brand-new start. But the theme that flows through all of them is possibility.

What becomes possible when we stand up for ourselves?

When we take responsibility for our part in a mess?

When we are able to truly see another person’s side of the story?

When we finally choose to stay?

When we finally decide to leave?

When we dare to try again?

This time of year always carries that feeling of possibility. The trick is to listen to it. Though I could never pick a favorite episode from this month’s slate, there is one that I keep returning to: a special subscriber-only conversation with my friend and colleague, Dr. Paul Browde.

Discover ad-free listening, bonus episodes, behind-the-scenes content, and more when you subscribe to Where Should We Begin? on Apple Podcasts. Click here to get 20% off your subscription this month only. Discount automatically applied.

THE POWER OF LISTENING

Over our many years of collaboration, Paul has taught me so much about the power of listening deeply, especially how the listener shapes the speaker and vice versa. In our episode of Where Should We Begin?, Paul recalls attending a lecture by the founder of narrative therapy, Michael White, in which White explained that there is no singular truth or story.

There are, in fact, as many truths and stories as you can think of—that not only describe our lives, but shape our lives. It was upon hearing this that Paul realized: If you help someone tell a new story of their life, it actually changes their life.

This is what I try to do with my own patients and with every brave person who comes on my podcast.

WHAT POSSIBILITIES STILL LIE AHEAD?

Though most of the people on my podcast are anonymous, it still takes tremendous courage to share their story publicly and to let a stranger (me) work with them to edit that story so that new possibilities emerge.

As we begin the eighth year of Where Should We Begin? and consider what possibilities still lie ahead, my team and I are continuously grateful for those who trust us with their stories and for all who listen in.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

What possibilities emerge when we listen for new stories?

In this exercise, you’ll retell an old, familiar story in new ways. First, choose a personal story you’ve told many times. Then, try using the following questions to tell a new version of the same old story.

• What are the dominant colors, scents, and textures you remember from the original experience?
• What do you think the other person/people involved in the story noticed about the setting that you might not have?
• If a stranger witnessed the original experience, how would they tell the story?
• If the experience hadn’t happened, how might the rest of the day have unfolded?
• What negative aspects of the experience are you grateful for now?
• How would the experience be different if it happened today?

As you reflect on this exercise, notice what about the new story surprised you or led to a perspective shift. You may want to repeat this exercise using another familiar story or invite a trusted friend, lover, or family member to try it with you.

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information

TO READ:

• Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life by Susan David illuminates the strength that comes from embracing our emotions as allies rather than obstacles. This book is an indispensable companion for anyone striving for greater authenticity, resilience, and meaningful connection in both their personal and professional lives.

TO EXPERIENCE:

• Mindplay is a mesmerizing off-Broadway exploration of the mind’s hidden landscapes, delivered with precision and artistry by Vinny DePonto. Playing at the Greenwich House Theater in NYC until April 20, Mindplay blends mentalism and storytelling to reveal the beautifully intricate ways we construct memory and meaning. This is not merely a performance—it’s an invitation to sit with the mystery of our own perceptions and question how we connect with others and ourselves.

• This February, my colleague Dr. Paul Browde and I are co-leading a relationship intensive at Blue Spirit retreat center in Costa Rica. Spots are nearly sold out—click here to learn more and reserve yours. You can also find Paul this June in California’s Inyo Mountains, where he will be leading the course The Four Directions of a Queer Man: Forgiveness, Apology & Reconciliation with the School of Lost Borders.