Letters from Esther #64: Searching for Connection in a Disconnected Era

Early bird tickets for my upcoming clinical conference have sold out, but you can still join me for this transformative two-day event when you register for a Standard ticket. Tickets are limited.

Register for Sessions Live 2025: Mating in the Metacrisis today.

Shall We Begin?

If it feels harder than ever to connect to others, you are not imagining things.

We are living through a “metacrisis”—a convergence of social, political, technological, and economic upheavals that have fundamentally altered the way we process the world around us as well as how we relate to one another.

LONELINESS & THE METACRISIS

Loneliness is at an all-time high, with Americans spending 99 more minutes alone each day than we did two decades ago.

Digital tools, once designed to connect us, now mediate nearly every aspect of our lives, replacing presence with convenience and spontaneity with predictability.

Dating, once a social experience shaped by mutual discovery, has become an exercise in efficiency, what sociologist Eva Illouz calls “romantic consumerism”—an endless optimization game that often reduces us to commodities, swiped and sorted by algorithms.

The metacrisis amplifies these effects, with the constant background noise of societal instability making it even harder to trust, to risk, to hope. The questions we ask ourselves have taken on a survivalist tilt, not just “Can I see a future with this person?” but also “Do I want to navigate the apocalypse with them?”

WHAT IF WE’RE NOT AS ALONE AS WE FEEL?

While these experiences and feelings are real, there is a fallacy underlying many of our biggest fears around finding connection in a disconnected world.

Though it may feel like the apocalypse . . . What if it’s not? What if this period of global instability, climate crisis, and more is not the actual end of the world? What if friendship and falling in love, despite it all, is still worth it? What if connection is what helps us survive these rapidly shifting times?

Amid the chaos of the metacrisis, our longing for each other remains unwavering. It is precisely in this challenging terrain that the opportunity for deep, meaningful connection arises—not despite the difficulty, but because of it.

Consider the following:

• Human connection is not dependent on an internet connection.
• Connection is not a transaction; it’s a vibrational field we can tap into on a daily basis in the most mundane of circumstances.
• Practicing small acts of connection with family, friends, colleagues, classmates, and perfect strangers is the key to building back the social muscles we need to navigate crises.
• These social muscles are the same ones that help us reconnect with long lost friends, cool the heat of conflict, maintain our curiosity about those who are different from us, and invite someone on a date (even the partner you already have).
  

This mindset is essential for discovering that we are not as alone as we feel; that we are not beholden to the social systems and software draining our life force.

SPONTANEOUS SOCIAL INTERACTIONS CREATE JOY.

Journalist Derek Thompson, in a recent interview with Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago, confirmed that we consistently underestimate the joy we experience from spontaneous social interactions. Talking to a stranger on the train, making eye contact with a person in a café, engaging in conversation at the bookstore—these small moments shift our perception of the world and our place within it.

The loneliness we feel is a product of a culture that excessively focuses on the self. But it’s also a consequence of the ways we’ve learned to guard ourselves from discomfort and vulnerability.

Connection and community save us. Let’s practice it, not as a rare event but as an ongoing practice of engagement. Even for the most introverted among us—perhaps especially so—our well-being is dependent on the small, bold act of saying hello.

Let’s Turn the Lens on You

Try the following simple exercise inspired by Nicholas Epley’s research:

1. Start one conversation with someone you don’t usually speak to—a barista, a fellow commuter, a neighbor, or even a stranger in line.
2. Keep it simple. A warm greeting, a lighthearted comment, or a genuine question is all it takes. (Easy mode: “I like your sweater.” A level up: “What’s been the highlight of your day?”)
3. Observe the impact. How did you feel after the interaction? Did the other person respond positively? Did your mood shift? Consider writing down or recording a voice memo, just for yourself, about the experience.
4. If you like the exercise, keep going. Consider making it a daily or weekly practice.

More From Esther

SESSIONS LIVE 2025: MATING IN THE METACRISIS | learn more

If you are a therapist, coach, or other relationship professional interested in diving deeper into these themes, I invite you to join me on April 25–26 for my eighth annual clinical conference, Sessions Live 2025: Mating in the Metacrisis.

Together during this two-day event, we’ll explore our roles as essential guides in a rapidly shifting world and work to answer the big questions, like:

• What does it mean to cultivate true connection in a world of increasing isolation and division?
• How do we create space for agency and aliveness amidst rising uncertainty?
  
• What helps combat social atrophy and burnout?
  
• How do we help our clients confront these challenges when we, too, are experiencing them?
  

This year’s two-day event features high-profile guests and speakers, interactive talks and workshops, and immersive experiences designed to activate your senses and help you cultivate true connection—with yourself and your clients.

Limited in-person and virtual tickets are available. Register today to reserve your spot.

Conversation Starters

A compendium of highly recommended sources of inspiration and information

TO EXPERIENCE:

• Listen to the episode of Plain English with Derek Thompsonmentioned in this newsletter, “‘The Anti-Social Century’: America’s Epidemic of Solitude—and How to Fix It,” featuring professor Nicholas Epley.
• Chen Lizra’s Somatic Healing Program is a 10-week live online training program to release trauma, heal emotional wounds, and awaken your body’s innate wisdom. The program begins on February 25. Sign up now to secure your spot.
  

TO READ:

• Sophie Scott’s new book, You Are Not Alone In This: Supporting a Loved One's Mental Health Without Losing Your Own, offers a lifeline to those who love someone struggling with mental illness. Blending personal insight, client stories, and therapeutic wisdom, she illuminates the delicate balance between offering support and preserving one’s own well-being—reminding us that care and boundaries are not contradictions, but companions.
• Through the prism of his own family’s silences, Rich Benjamin’s new book, Talk to Me, is a deeply personal meditation on the cost of unspoken histories. The intergenerational echoes of exile, identity, and belonging reveal how the stories we don’t tell shape us just as much as the ones we do. It’s a profound exploration of the spaces between us and the courage it takes to bridge them.
• Lisa A. Phillips’s First Love: Guiding Teens Through Relationships and Heartbreak is a compassionate guide for teens and the adults who support them, offering sharp insights on navigating relationships in today’s world. With a focus on technology, identity, and consent, Phillips equips readers with tools to foster resilience and self-awareness through love and heartbreak.